there's paper in my vomit.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
