Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize