I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I love you.
Bad choice
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
