So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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