My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
