I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
