Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
