Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
