You're my little dorito
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
