We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We need a shit load of segways right now
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
