There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
