She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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