kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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