I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Pants are for mortals
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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