I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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