I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
