How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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