My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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