i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
