Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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