dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
