I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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