but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
