Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He passed out mid-signature
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
