Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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