just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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