you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
