I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
