got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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