I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
