My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
