I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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