meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Is it because I queefed?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
