as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
