It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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