she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
