I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You don't make any sense
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