you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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