We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
