there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
