I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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