DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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