I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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