She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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