A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
