I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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