Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
