Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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