U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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