the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
