i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
