ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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