i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
