its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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