If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
