yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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