getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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