He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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